People jokes

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

Why do people on the iss use linux

You can't open windows in space

I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart

It was simple.

Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions for a while

A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions while he is out. The first person to arrive it's a gorgeous woman, who says:

-Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex with some random guy in a bar.

The nun, shocked doesn't know what Penance to give to the Lady, but an altar boy was passing by so she asks him:

-What does the Priest give to people for anal sex?

-Usually a hamburger and a coke.

Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?...

I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

Two people walk into a bar.

They see that the bartender is Eminem.

"Two shots please", one of them tells him

"Sorry. You only get one shot"

A joke is like a frog

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Miserable fucking Bitch.

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

Educated People are hot

Why?

Because they have more degrees.

Have you seen the clown at Walmart that hides from gay people?

Of course you haven't.

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Geez, there's a lot of people on this Ashley Madison list...

It's a pretty bad state of affairs

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.