People jokes

I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, “Oh my God, was it moving?”

I said, “A few people were crying, but I was fine.”

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, the house will be empty."

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

“We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure”, the general replied.

I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants.

Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.

So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account...

He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.

Being on crutches is like being a woman

People won't always take you seriously, but at least they open doors for you!

Why are there no fat people in Japan?

Last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died.

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

The rock musician plays three chords for thousands of people, the jazz guitarist plays thousands of chords to three people.

Did you hear about the 120 pound man with the 60 pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts.

Why is there so much hate for lazy people?

I mean, they didn't even do anything.

If the bigger your shoes, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick...

...then no wonder so many people are afraid of clowns.

People say I don't have friends

They're wrong. I have 10 seasons on DVD

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

where do babies come from

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!

Don't wait until your deathbed

to tell people how you really feel. You might be too weak to raise your middle finger by then.

This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.