People jokes

Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.

One sign read "The End is Near!"

The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"

He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.

He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.

One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween..

guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.

I hate when people say my skirt looks slutty..

Like, who cares if my balls hang out a little?

Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

Twerk

1. To dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually.

2. Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

Teach a Nigerian to fish...

He'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start emailing people.

My dad's a magician

Bob: What does your father do for a living?

Joe: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

How do one-handed people put on gloves?

They don't, they put on glove.

How ungrateful people are

My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

However, i didn't freak out about it like the other people in the elevator.

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them

I don't understand why people spoil movies...

What's their endgame?

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but the trick is finding two people small enough to fit IN the lightbulb...

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting.

But apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.