Piss jokes

My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once...

But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out!

A man attempting to piss in public is apprehended by a police officer...

The officer asks him, "Sir, do you realize this is against the law?"

The man replies, "No, sir, it's against the wall."

I believe it when they say Kim Jong-un doesn't pee or poop...

Why else would he be so pissed and full of shit all the time?

First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by. She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

Me: Dad, can I be frank?... And if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be real pissed!

Dad: That seems fair, gonnaberealpissed.

A young naive couple get married NSFW

After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.

‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.

His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses.

A few minutes later the dad gets another call, but this time it’s the daughter in law and she’s hysterical

‘You gotta come here quick. Dave’s got his head stuck in the toilet!’

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

The person who invented autocorrect died recently.

May he roast in piss.

I buy this girl a drink

So I buy this girl a drink at the bar and you know what she does? She says thanks and gives it to her boyfriend. Normally that would piss me off, but it was fucking hilarious watching him drink that roofie.

How I pissed off my girlfriend during sex.

I called her.

Poor Will Smith isn't getting any sleep tonight

His wife is so pissed Will can hear her ranting all the way from her boyfriend's bedroom

How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw

You may be a 6 in looks and a 7 in bed, but when it comes to piss play, baby...

Urinate.

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

I farted in an Apple store and everyone got pissed

It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows!

What do skid marks on the toilet bowl and girlfriends have in common?

They're both easy to piss off

An elderly couple goes to annual check up together

During the exam husband starts explaining how he and God have an arrangement. "You see, if I need to take a leak during the night I simply go to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me." Doctor nods but of course he finds that a bit strange. So he brings up the issue with the wife, explaining what husband told him. Wife is shocked: "Oh bloody hell, he's been pissing in the fridge again!"

My girlfriend told me to behave more dominant...

So I marked my belongigs. Now she's pissed.

...she said last time, we're stuck in a time loop.

Which really pisses me off, because that's what...

I was brought up as an only child.

I enjoyed it, but it used to really piss off my sister.