Prison jokes

What do you call a midget psychic that just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

I cry every time after sex

I hate prison

Why did the duck go to prison?

He got caught selling quack.

A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength...

So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.

What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?

One's a pro, and one's a con.

*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife’s dick”

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...

They hang around bars 24/7.

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"

I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria

Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

You know he's guilty.

After my wife died i couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".

Touched by Jesus

Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

My brother who has a stutter got life in prison

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence

My brother took being sent to prison really badly.

He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.

That was the last time we played monopoly.

What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison?

They both turn "o" into "O".

Surprise blowjob is the best way to get woken up.

Unless you're in prison.

My buddy told me he always cries after sex.....

I told him it was his fault for getting sent to prison in the first place

I was driving past a prison the other day...

Looking out my window, I glanced up and saw a dwarf scaling down a very tall fence. It was obvious he was breaking out of the prison. I looked up at him and he looked down at me with an angry stare like “wtf the fuck are you looking at?”

I drove away and thought to myself that was a little condescending.