Saying jokes

What did the Doe say when she walked out of the bushes?

I'll never do that for two bucks again.

What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?

This place is 5k from a school, right?

Woman has a sore throat and asks for help

So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.

The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"

The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.

Coworker asks "Did it work"

Woman says "Yes! And your husband couldn't believe that this was your idea!".

I believe it when they say Kim Jong-un doesn't pee or poop...

Why else would he be so pissed and full of shit all the time?

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

Hit by a fastball

A man walks into his kitchen with his hands between his legs and a pained expression on his face. "what happened darling?" says his wife. "I got hit with a fastball at practice" he replies. "Oh you poor man, come here and i'll massage it better". So she pulls out his penis and begins to massage with various scented oils. "how's that my darling, are you feeling better?" The man examines his bruised finger and says: "That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."

They say all women turn into good drivers eventually.

So watch out for turning women.

A tourist goes to see Beethoven's grave in Austria

And, to his shock, he sees the great musician seated next to his grave, erasing pieces of paper with his symphonies written on them.

The tour guide leans over to his visibly startled guest and says, "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He's decomposing."

George W. Bush couldn't decide what country to invade next...

He says, "It seems we're stuck between Iraq and a hard place.."

Mario goes to court

The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”

Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”

The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”

Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”

What did the Dried Fish say to the other Dried Fish?

Long time no Sea.

A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”

She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”

What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed?

"Sheet."

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

What did one lonely penis say to the other?

I just want to belong.

What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

To those who say "alcohol is not the solution":

Alcohol is a solvent. By definition, it's part of the solution.

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells, “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?”

Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”;

Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier and says: “Who were YOU thinking about?”.

A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar

They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.

The bartender says "that'll be 2020"