Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:
" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "
An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:
" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "
Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."
I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry
My notes say adding water decreases concentration
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,
"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,
"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"
There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.
One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".
A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.
"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"
“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.
“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"
Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie
Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"
Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"
Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"
An English joke
American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all on top of Eifel tower.
American throws aload of money over the edge. "What did you do that for?" the others ask. "We have so much money in the states that I can afford to."
The Frenchman throws loads of bottles of wine over the top and says "we have so much wine here that I can throw as much as I like over,"
The pakistani looks at the Englishman and says "DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!"
Two IT techs are at the local gun range.
After about 10 minutes of practice, one of the techs isn't able to hit the target. The other looks at him and says "What is your problem?"
The embarrassed IT tech puts his head down and says, "Troubleshooting."
Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...
It's called wedding cake
Guy orders 11 shots at a bar
Bartender says "What are you celebrating?" Guys says "My first blowjob" Bartenders says "Congrats, but why 11 shots?" Guys says "I figured by the 11th the taste would be out of my mouth. "
First dirty joke I told my parents when I was 8. The punishment was worth it.
a bishop walks up to a bar
and the bartender says ‘you can’t do that. you can only move diagonally.’
A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...
It says, "I'll be your server today."
Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...
If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.
A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.
She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“
“It was 1959“, says the pilot.
"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"
Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."
A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...
“HEY! So what did you get for Christmas?” The second little boy pauses and says “well I got a gift card and a t-shirt...you?”
The first little boy excitedly replies ”Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can’t believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt!” to which the second little boy replies “well...at least I don’t have cancer...”
A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.
“I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”
“No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....
“That’s the spirit!”
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
Embarrassing moment at docs
I was sitting in the doctor's . The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc,I said . "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."
Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway
The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"
Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."
The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"
•
Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."
The Rodeo...
So two cowboys are talking about sex and the various positions when one of them mentions "the Rodeo."
So the second cowboy says to him, "I didn't know the Rodeo was a sex position. How do you do that one?"
The first cowboy explains. "So what you do is you penetrate your girl from behind. Then you reach around and grab her boobs, lean over, and whisper in her ear, 'These are almost as big as your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."