For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.
When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"
NSFW, what do you call phone sex on an iPhone?
A Steve job.
Sex is like golf,
the more holes, the more fun you have.
A young boy comes home from school after learning about sexual health and asks
Boy - 'Dad what does a vagina look like?'
Father - 'Well son, that depends. Are you interested before sex or after sex?'
Boy - 'Urmmm, before'
Father - 'It resembles the beautiful petals on a rose'
Boy - ' And what about after sex?'
Father - ' Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?'
Sex Ed in 2015
Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'
What do sex and air have in common?
It's no big deal unless you aren't getting any.
Heard on the radio.
I had sex for an hour and 20 seconds today...
Thank you daylight savings time.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”
The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “Are you performing any better in bed now?” The man says, “I don’t know, I’m 35 miles away.”
We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship
We can call it "Alien vs Predator"
Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?
Because he was between a cock and a charred place.
I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.
It's by Dick D. Spencer
Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"
I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.
I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week...
My mum was not happy!
An undertaker says to a bereaved husband
‘When did you realise your wife was dead?’ ‘Well,’ he replies, ‘the sex was the same but the dishes just kept piling up...’
from Internet.
Sex with a weatherman must suck.
Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches, only to find out it's not even 4.
One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.
Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
Sex is like a poorly explained joke.
I don't get it.