Drink
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
How is eating pussy similar to smoking a cigarette?
The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.
Don't trust atoms, no matter what.
They make up everything.
I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally
Even the bad ones
How can you identify a good farmer?
He's out standing in his field.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
A man dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."
Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"
Satan replies, "Of course we do."
"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.
Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"
A girl once said about me "He's the one!"
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided
To give up reading
After my wife died i couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was ,"Bach, Bach, Bach"
"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,
"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."
Naming the new royal baby
Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”
When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
How did the pervert find the sheep in the tall grass?
Very satisfying.
An old woman wants to commit suicide...
...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.
She goes to the local doctor and asks;
"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"
"Oh, it's just below your left breast."
So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.
What do you call a wheel that you wear?
A tire
Only self aware people will understand this joke.
You know who you are.
Vegan in a restaurant
Customer: I'm vegan, I don't eat gluten or carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and allergic to nuts. What should I get?
Waiter: the fuck out
Why did Steve Jobs die?
Because Apple kept the doctors away.