She jokes

I have a confession. I masturbate in the shower..

.. it feels good to come clean.

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.

Two wrongs don't make a right...

...but two Wrights made a plane

I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed.

He said

"I don't know it's hard to keep track."

Your essays should be like a girls skirt.

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and on the desk by Friday midnight.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.

If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.

I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Why is twelve an unfair number?

Because it's two against one

I have a friend who is sexually attracted to inanimate objects.

I don't see him much though. He always has stuff to do.

On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.

He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers? The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

So my girlfriend wants to roleplay as a 14 year old...

I told her "why bother? You'll be 14 in a few years anyway"

A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?"

And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

We had a trans friend come over for Christmas this year

He said he can’t wait to eat, drink and be Mary

I'm allergic to sharks..

..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

Me: “Mom, meet my girlfriend.”

Mom: “Are you sure about this? You deserve better!”

Me: “But Mom, I love her so much...”

Mom: “I was talking to her...”

Finally realized why the end of my rifle always tastes so salty

Because whenever I put it in my mouth I’m always crying

Nobody wants to die alone.

That's why I'm training for my pilot's license.

1 in 6 people...

find Russian roulette mind blowing.

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

Blonde Joke of the day

Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.