A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.
He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.
When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
My little brother is throwing a tantrum because we aren’t having German sausages for dinner
He’s being such a brat
Luke cage
In marvels luke cage everyone thinks that luke has super powers because he's bullet proof.
But bullet proof black people isn't a super power it's straight up evolution.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
How did the hacker escape the police?
He ransomware
What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?
You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.
I wrote a theatrical performance on puns
Really, it was just a play on words.
What do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty?
Pessimist Prime
An English man, French ,Italian and German are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Someone once told me Trump was the president of Canada also...
I don't think that's Trudeau
An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...
Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".
Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"
The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"
I'm no Trumper but these so called "health experts" are liars!
They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store!!
When I got there, everyone else also had clothes on :/
I just did one of those "what noun are you" quizzes...
and I got "pedantic", which is an adjective.
Why can't Irish men be lawyers?
They can't pass the bar.
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"
The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.
10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.
The doctor calmly said : "great, now that we fixed your nose it's time to tackle that farting thing".
Knock... knock...
Who's there?
Cows say.
Cows say who?
No, cows say moo.