She jokes

I've been having hallucinations lately.

I'm getting better though; I'm starting to see a psychiatrist.

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

What's the difference between a priest and a chilean mining company?

One gets its miners stuck in shafts, and the other gets its shaft stuck in minors.

Dodged the bullet

A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.

When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke?

A pun can make you groan, but a dad joke goes even father.

After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone...

He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess." When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

Let me tell you a little poem.

I dig You dig He digs We dig And so do they

Not a great poem, but it's very deep.

Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.

You know Harry's going to be in it.

(credit sickipedia)

"I'm so wet!" She yelled. "Give it to me right now!"

But I didn't care how many times she asked, she wasn't getting my umbrella.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: My dad is in the hospital

*1 week later*

Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?

Student: Yes, he is a doctor

What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?

That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking" Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

Sometimes I use big words

that I don't quite understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.

I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

My wife has a logic fetish...

She's always coming to conclusions.