She jokes

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60

Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is

A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Why are there no fat people in Japan?

Last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died.

Tinder is the opposite of porn ads...

There are actually tons of singles in my area but none of them are interested in me.

From my handwriting identification skills.

I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.

The creator of the very first knock knock joke..

Must have won a no-bell prize

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

The private stood at attention and boomed, "NO SIR!"

What do you get when you throw a grenade inside a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blonaparte :)

Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods...

...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, "What the hell is that?", Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

Want to know how to get a fat girl in bed?

It’s a piece of cake

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."

"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout but dies when you swat them with a newspaper...

Shows how toxic our media is...

How long are math snakes?

3.14 feet. Well, at least the πthon is

(I'm so sorry)

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players...

The servers are currently down...

My friend's worried he's addicted to playing guitar

I told him not to fret but he says he can't help it

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?

Ian