She jokes

I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

Say what you want about Trump...

...but he’s brought school shootings down to zero for more than an entire month.

So, I went to the doctor...

She asked "What brings you here today?"

I replied "My car."

And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."

So I asked a bunch of guys today if they would go gay for a billion dollars.

And I didn't get any straight answers.

I think my co-workers are gay

Every time I walk past them in the office, they always whisper "What an ass"

Why do lesbians prefer going to Sports Authority?

They don't like Dicks...

Today, I walked into a restaurant.

"Hi, is my table ready?"

"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay."

"Great, take these salads to table six then."

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir,

We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices.

Sincerely,

Your ISP

Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants.

Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?"

Chiromancer: "Never."

Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm."

Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

Why do asian girls have small boobs?

Because only A's are acceptable.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I said ... "I drink it"

A pirate goes to a doctor

worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account...

He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.

My best friend ran away with my wife....

I miss him.

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

Being on crutches is like being a woman

People won't always take you seriously, but at least they open doors for you!

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."