She jokes

Holocaust jokes aren't funny

Anne frankly, they need to stop

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but the trick is finding two people small enough to fit IN the lightbulb...

The Bible is 100% accurate

Especially when thrown at close range

Why is Donald Trump moving to Egypt?

To live in a state of de Nile.

Sinks can't open doors.

Let that sink in.

The blind girl

I went to bed with a blind girl last night, and she said I had the biggest dick she'd ever laid her hands on... I said, "You're pulling my leg.."

Did you hear? They invented a new shovel!

It's ground breaking!

A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.

Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"

The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

What is the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

Gender roles are changing. Nowadays some women get mad when you hold a car door open.

Particularly the ones on bikes.

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting.

But apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

Why was the broom late?

because it overswept

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision

It was a rip off

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people

One minute you're young and fun...

The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.