She jokes

If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues

Then look no father

A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."

The husband begins packing his bags.

"What are you doing?" asked the wife.

"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."

What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

A toad says “ribbit ribbit” and a horny toad says “rubbit rubbit”.

Thank you to my first grade teacher for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

Why did the pirate take so long learning the alphabet

Because he spent years at C

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?

Me: No, I’m sure most kids smell that way.

Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

Why are stormtroopers so inaccurate?

Because they're imperial

A girl I met told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out she meant 'Trout' and not 'Skittles.'

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

However, i didn't freak out about it like the other people in the elevator.

I just saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.

It was riveting.

Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

Father: “Son, you were adopted.” SON : “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

My friend is addicted to buying ladders

He uses them to get high.

Guy walks into a bar

And orders 6 shots, and drinks them one after the other

Bartender says "what's the occasion?"

Guy says " my first blowjob"

Bartender "in that case let me buy you another"

Guy " if the first 6 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another would help"

Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in Super Bowl 50?

Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.

Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?

He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker...

...Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.