She jokes

A farmer had 196 cows in his field

When he rounded them up he had 200

Heart-Attacks are overrated

I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?

I’ve been thinking about selling my theremin.

I haven’t touched it in years.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.

The stables have turned

Give a man some clothes and he’ll be clothed for a day.

Teach a man to weave and he’ll be naked for a very long time.

Man should ejaculate 21 times per month

Research says a man should ejaculate 21 times per month to reduce risk of developing prostate cancer.

It's June 2020 and I'm already done with August 2023

Massaging the wife

Italian : Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French : Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 15 minutes.

American : Thats nothing! Last night I massaged my wife with cheese, then made love and made her scream for 2 hours.

Italian and French, astonished : 2 hours ! How !?

American : I wiped my hands on the curtains...

What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it the harder it gets

Girl told me she had a dream that I made love to her

I mean, technically, she didn't say "dream," she said "nightmare," but close enough.

Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?

Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday?

As I laid in bed looking up at the night sky, I pondered to myself...

What the hell happened to my roof?

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fuck you Americans too!"

Two blondes are on either sides of a river.

The 1st blonde yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side?!".

The 2nd blonde thinks for a moment and then yells back, "You're already on the other side!"

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke. When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

Before my surgery, my doctor offered to put me under with gas, or just knock me out with a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

What do you call a case of premature burial?

A grave mistake.

Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”