She jokes

I bumped into an old school friend today...

He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"

I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money.

You get what you paid for

So a little girl is walking on the sidewalk, a car stops and a man says "come in the car, I'll give you candy" the girl says " no, I'll walk"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll take you home, I'll give you a whole bag of chocolate" the girl says "no, I'll just walk home"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll give you a bag of toys, iPad and money" and the girld says "NO dad! YOU wanted the damn Dacia, now leave me alone!"

Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny

Whose limericks were not worth a penny.

Oh, the rhyme was all right,

And the meter was tight,

But whenever she tried to write any,

She always wrote one line too many.

Women are like the salt of my life

They raise my blood pressure

My girlfriend once used Vaseline when she gave me a handjob . .

I came four or five times trying to wash it off.

A holocaust survivor dies of old age. When she goes to heaven she tells god a holocaust joke.

God responds “I don’t find that funny”

The survivor replies “I guess you had to be there”

Courtesy of Ricky Gervais in “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”

So a cop knocked on my door this morning.

He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said "Thanks"

I said "Don't mention it"

A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your chest is fucking epic."

The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas

I told him "I blow right through them"

Why was the middle aged computer sad?

He had a floppy disc.

What's the difference between your dick and a joke?

Nobody laughs at your jokes.

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?

An Opti-Mystic.

How is global warming reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

Ugh, I hate millenials...

Walking around here like they rent the place.

What do you call recycled calculus jokes?

Derivative humor.

A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service

You just play games.

I’ve recently started investing in stocks

I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.