She jokes

I always wanted my life to be a meme.

Dead in a week

My dad used to beat me while playing chess...

Because I'd always win.

After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

Dad jokes and Yo Mama jokes seem like they'd be the same

But the difference is a parent.

What's better than a paradox?

A pair of nurses

I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.

Because I wasn't wearing a condom.

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

Heisenberg is pulled over by the cops

The cop asks “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg replies “No, but I know where I am.”

An Apple store I was at today just got robbed.

I guess that makes me an iWitness.

Buying my girl an engagement ring was a lot like getting new tires for the truck..

Even though she looks the same, she rode much better afterwards.

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

Me and my friend are going to form a band called 'the duvets'

Mainly going to be a cover band

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...

They hang around bars 24/7.

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

A man walks into the doctors and says he has something wrong with his penis...

... the doctor says “Ok, take off your clothes so I can do an examination”

The man does as he says and the doctor examines his penis

The doctor says “Sir, I’m afraid you need to stop masturbating”

The man says “Why?”

The doctor says “Because I need to do the examination”

My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.

It was very hard to hear that.

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.