She jokes

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

Heisenberg is pulled over by the cops

The cop asks “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg replies “No, but I know where I am.”

An Apple store I was at today just got robbed.

I guess that makes me an iWitness.

Buying my girl an engagement ring was a lot like getting new tires for the truck..

Even though she looks the same, she rode much better afterwards.

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

Me and my friend are going to form a band called 'the duvets'

Mainly going to be a cover band

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...

They hang around bars 24/7.

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

A man walks into the doctors and says he has something wrong with his penis...

... the doctor says “Ok, take off your clothes so I can do an examination”

The man does as he says and the doctor examines his penis

The doctor says “Sir, I’m afraid you need to stop masturbating”

The man says “Why?”

The doctor says “Because I need to do the examination”

My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.

It was very hard to hear that.

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.

What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?

My cock.

What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?

Tastes like ass.

A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

One of the generals takes a ruler and starts to measure. But he does not find the balls.

General:Where are your balls marine?

Marine: In vietnam

I named my first dog "What".

Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."

Why do gay people smile so much?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

"So did you hear Bruce Willis passed away?"

"Really? How?"

"Suicide. Overdosed on Viagra and Cialis."

"That's terrible!"

"Well, he always wanted to Die Hard."