She jokes

If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked...

...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.

I was walking in the park...

..and I saw a beautiful girl. I went up to her, spark flew, she fell at my feet and before I knew it we were having sex.

God do I love my new taser.

Coffee

When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.

Really? I have the exact opposite.

Wow, seriously?

Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?

They both get stoned after sex.

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier

But it was getting late so we decided to call it a knight.

Why did the King take a second job as a bartender?

When it reigns it pours.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy....

....but he was 0K.

Angry Mom.

Last night, I was trying to annoy my little brother. I kept tickling his feet... and my Mom went fucking crazy and screamed: "WOULD YOU WAIT UNTIL HE'S FUCKING BORN!?!?"

I don't have a great relationship with my doctor.

In fact, I feel sick every time I see her.

What is the opposite of progress?

Congress

What’s white and blue and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A fridge in a denim jacket.

I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pool.

If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."

What is the opposite of ladyfingers?

Mentos!

Hank Hill got a job working in a BDSM store.

He sells pro-pain and pro-pain accessories.

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

What do you call a party with 100 midgets?

A little get together.

"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."