She jokes

Two atoms were walking down the street.

One of them said, "I lost an electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" and the first one said, "I'm positive!"

The person who invented autocorrect died recently.

May he roast in piss.

Why are there gingerbread men but not gingerbread women?

It's the pastryarchy.

I was in sex education class ..

...when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, "What is this called?"

I put my hand up and answered, "That's a pussy, Miss Stevens."

She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Give me a medical term, please."

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "That's a pussy, Doctor Stevens."

Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

When a woman buys a vibrator it's seen as a bit of naughty fun

But when a guy orders a 240 volt fuckmaster pro 5000 latex doll with high speed pulsating pussy, elasticised anus with non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm sound system, he gets called a pervert.

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'

I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not.

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

Why aren't there many jokes about Jonestown?

The *punchlines* are so long.

Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day

Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?

Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace

Poor man - why a necklace ?

Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?

Poor man - a pair of slippers and a dildo

Rich man - why a dildo?

Poor man - so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice!

Except Chris Brown

Breaking news: Cartoonist found dead in his own home.

The details were sketchy.

Boy: Dad, look! I got a new Xbox!

Dad: Wow! Where did you get it?

Boy: I won it in a race.

Dad: Nice! How many people were there?

Boy: Ummm . . . two others

Dad: Who were they?

Boy: Ummm . . . I don’t remember

Dad: C’mon. You must remember one of them

Boy: Well, there was me . . .

Dad: And . . .?

Boy: The store owner and the police

My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

If you don't believe 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'...

...try throwing it harder next time.

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

Don't be ashamed of you don't know the definition of the word 'esoteric'

Only a small number of people are likely to understand.