Someone jokes

Where can I find someone to hang out with and share a companionship?

Asking for a friend.

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

If someone calls you fat, ignore them

You're bigger than that

A Blonde and Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, “Oh my God, was it moving?”

I said, “A few people were crying, but I was fine.”

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"

I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues

Only retards do that

Subway is a lot like prostitution.

You're paying someone else to do your wife's job.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

I don't see what's so offensive about calling someone from Pakistan a Paki...

It's like calling someone from Scotland a Scot, an Australian an Aussie or someone from France a cunt

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

Someone drew a swastika on The Trump Tower

The police aren't sure if it's a supporter, or a hater.

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down." "The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back." "The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

Jehova

This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she is so cute, with big brown eyes.

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother, with a hunting rifle.

Never fight someone who recently smoked weed.

They tend to have the high ground.

Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic ?

Someone who lies awake at night, wondering if there's a dog.

I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer"

Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.