Someone jokes

what did the archer ask the pepper?

"do you habanero?"

I thought of this tonight making dinner. I'm sure someone has thought of this before me, but figured I would share anyway.

I was recently complimented on my driving skills

Someone left a note on my car that said "Parking Fine"

People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic? Mom: Of course not. Son: Well neither would he.

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus

His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.

A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your cane, you wouldn't have this much trouble."

The old man replies: "Boy, I would be sitting down on this bus if only your father put on that rubber"

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Who the fuck does that.

Where is the best place to hide after killing someone?

Behind a badge..

That's a nice ham you got there.

It'd be a shame if someone put an "s" before it and an "e" after it.

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

I'm going to name my son Awesome...

...so whenever he sleeps with someone, they are fucking Awesome.

So, this guy comes home to find his house was broken into and someone stole all his lamps.

He was delighted.

Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks

Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella

Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!

Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!

I was real upset when I lost my nonbinary friend at the store

But I felt better when someone told me "They're there"

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

If someone with a toe fetish cheats on you

Does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?

My wife yelled to me from upstairs.

Wife: "Do yo ever get a shooting pain across your body,

like someones got a voodoo doll of you and the're stabbing it.?"

Me: "No.. why."

Wife:. "How about now.?"

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

How do you cure depression ?

Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.