BAD NEWS
President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.
When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This infuriates the President, who then asks what could be worse than that.
The Secret Service informs them that it’s Melania’s handwriting.
I knew someone had added dirt to my garden.
And so, the plot thickens
A man is walking past the mental hospital
through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.
I'm kinda new to gardening...
Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.
Well, I'm never doing that again...
I'll just stick to whipped cream.
Mercedes for Sale @ $1
Someone put up this advertisement. No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car. The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1. She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?" The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".
It's all shits and giggles...
...until someone giggles and shits.
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?
Someone who knocks on your door and tells *you* to fuck off.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
What do you give someone who hasn't moved their muscles in over a year?
A trophy
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated...
Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
Someone once told me Trump was the president of Canada also...
I don't think that's Trudeau
A man went to confess to the priest
"Father, I've stolen someone's dog. But I don't want it now. Can I give it to you?"
"No, son, I don't want it. You should return the dog to the owner."
"I did. But he said he doesn't want it."
"Well...Then I think you should keep the dog."
That night, the priest went back home and found his precious dog stolen.
(Translated from Chinese)
What do you call someone with no body and no nose ?
Nobody knows
I wish I could be a fossil.
Only then would someone dig me.