There jokes

I asked a Chinese Girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

I Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician?

A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

What did Mike Tyson say when I showed him my mold collection?

Growth.

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen...

...boys develop them around the age of forty.

I got fired from the juice factory today

I just couldn't concentrate

So I was at the bank today and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.

Well I was not very impressed, she fell over on the first try.

Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

There are multiple reports claiming that Kim Jong-Un is dead.

Another Un bites the dust.

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

What did the water say to the boat?

Nothing. It just waved.

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.

Did you hear about the woman with amnesia who tried to masturbate?

She almost remembered how, but couldn't quite put her finger on it.

What's a policeman's favorite gaming console?

wii-u

wii-u

wii-u

wii-u

heh

What do you call an aquatic Nazi?

Adolphin

“Son I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime”

Son: “Why was it something I said?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Dog walks into a telegraph office...

Says he wants to send a message.

"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".

Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense.."

A blind man walked into a bar...

...then a table, then a chair.