A woman is sitting in a park one day, watching two men work. The first man digs a hole, and then the second man fills it back in. Then the first man digs another hole, and again, the second man fills it back up. They keep doing this over and over again. Finally, the women asks them, “Why do you keep digging holes and filling them back in?” One of the guys replies, “Well, usually there’s a third guy here who puts in the tree, but he’s out sick today.”
I recently came into a large sum of money
Now all the bills are sticking together
I wrote a poem.
I dig.
You dig.
She digs.
He digs.
They dig.
We dig.
Now I know it's not a very good poem, but it's pretty deep.
What's black and doesn't work?
Decaf coffee
As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.
Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.
My brother took being sent to prison really badly.
He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.
That was the last time we played monopoly.
Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?
He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it. Some people have no consideration for others.
What do you call a black guy in outer space?
An astronaut you racist bastard.
Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, We need better break-up lines:
Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back. Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship? I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out. You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER! I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.
How to fall down stairs
* Step 1 * Step 2 * Step 4 * Step 15
This just in: Due to panic buying, Walmart has decided to open up a 2nd register.
Dire times indeed.
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses.
He could control sea.
Day 173 without sex
Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.
A redneck is pulled over by a policeman...
Policeman: Got any ID?
Redneck: About what?
One day, I was walking down the street when out of the blue, 6 beautiful women flashed me their breasts all at the same time. Now I know what you’re thinking...
This story sounds kind of ridiculous...
Dozen tit.
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
Caught my roommate masturbating himself with a thin pancake.
What a crepe.
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
An elderly couple goes to annual check up together
During the exam husband starts explaining how he and God have an arrangement. "You see, if I need to take a leak during the night I simply go to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me." Doctor nods but of course he finds that a bit strange. So he brings up the issue with the wife, explaining what husband told him. Wife is shocked: "Oh bloody hell, he's been pissing in the fridge again!"
The First Rule Of Alzheimer's Club,
Is Don't Talk About Chess Club.