There jokes

...she said last time, we're stuck in a time loop.

Which really pisses me off, because that's what...

Alabama is canceling home schooling.

Apparently too many teachers were having sex with the students.

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

Student walks into professor's office

She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"

The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"

"I'd do *anything*," she answers coyly, playing with her hair.

"Anything?"

"*Anything*!" she repeats with a knowing grin.

"Would you....study?"

How do you cure depression ?

Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.

I'm voting for Trump...

I've never seen a president assassinated.

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy...

it feels good until you look down and realize you're gay.

Two electric windmills are standing in a field.

One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?" The second one replies "I'm a huge metal fan".

I debated a flat earther once

he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around, eventually.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, my fingers because I can always count on them, my head for staying on top of things, my nuts for hanging in there, and my dick for standing up for me.

I've just found an origami porn channel!

But it's paper view only :(

If you call a girl beautiful 1000 times she won't really notice. But if you call her fat once, she will never forget...

That's because elephants never forget.

I can't be doing with those pricks who knock on my door and tell me they're my saviour and if I don't listen I'll burn.

Damn Firemen.

I guess i have a nice butt

Because everytime i walk away from a conversation i hear, " what an ass ".

Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions?

Me: Can’t say that I’m surprised.

Therapist: Exactly.

My neighbors listen to some great music at night.

Whether they like it or not.

Republicans want small government

So small that it fits in your doctors office and your bedroom

How do you make antifreeze?

You take away her blanket.

From my 7 y/o

What do you call a bunch of hairdressers having a party?

A Barber-cue

i sexually identify as a donkey

my pronouns are he/haw