There jokes

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

How did the hacker escape the police?

He ransomware

What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.

I wrote a theatrical performance on puns

Really, it was just a play on words.

What do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty?

Pessimist Prime

An English man, French ,Italian and German are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"

What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener

Someone once told me Trump was the president of Canada also...

I don't think that's Trudeau

An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...

Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".

Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"

The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"

I'm no Trumper but these so called "health experts" are liars!

They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store!!

When I got there, everyone else also had clothes on :/

I just did one of those "what noun are you" quizzes...

and I got "pedantic", which is an adjective.

Why can't Irish men be lawyers?

They can't pass the bar.

I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But then I was like Na, people wont understand.

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "great, now that we fixed your nose it's time to tackle that farting thing".

Knock... knock...

Who's there?

Cows say.

Cows say who?

No, cows say moo.

It says here on your resume that you were a m-misogynist?

"Yes, I used to give massages."

"OHH! I was confused because--"

"Because you're a woman?"

What did the Alabama sherriff say about the black guy with 17 bullet holes in his back?

He said it was the worse case of suicide he’s ever seen

A man went to confess to the priest

"Father, I've stolen someone's dog. But I don't want it now. Can I give it to you?"

"No, son, I don't want it. You should return the dog to the owner."

"I did. But he said he doesn't want it."

"Well...Then I think you should keep the dog."

That night, the priest went back home and found his precious dog stolen.

(Translated from Chinese)

I got a new job at the zoo, circumcising elephants.

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:

- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

The woman giggles.

- Of course I would!

- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?

The woman looks disgusted.

- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?

- That’s already been established. Now we’re just haggling about the price.