There jokes

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount rushmore

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a Saint.

Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.

I can swallow a rope and poop out a lasso

I shit you knot.

I finally quit drinking for good

Now I drink for evil

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions

They shouldn't have followed the Heard

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type,

I'd be her type.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose ?

Nobody knows

The inventor of autocorrect walks into a bar

he asks for a bear

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid napping.

Boyfriend moving in...

Him: Can I set up a cloning machine in the basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.

What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Oakley Dokelys

I need to have surgery, because of my cicumcision.

I was born without eyelids, so the doctor said to my mom "all we have to do is circumcise him, and we can make eyelids out of his foreskin." Long story short, I've been cock eyed ever since, I have great fore sight though.

Why can’t water say the whole alphabet?

It only knows H to O

is google male or female?

female: because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions

Let me tell you a clean joke. Johny took a bath with bubbles.

Now let me tell you a dirty joke. Bubbles is his neighbor.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, shits on the floor and leaves.

What do hobbit homes with no entrances need?

More doors.

There was a fight in a fish and chip shop!

Two fish got battered ;).