2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven
They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.
Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2: “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you’re scheduled to pitch next week.”
What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?
2 kilomockingbirds.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
Life is like a penis.
It's all relaxed freely hanging, and then a woman comes and makes it hard.
How do you get rid of an obese demon?
You exercise it.
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Probably photos, reflective surfaces, things of that nature.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?
The newspaper headlines the next day read:
#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get the Hell out
As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a long slow, and very painful death He turned around and said, "So, you want me to fucking stay?"
I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster
Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.
What's the difference between an art student and a park bench?
A bench can support a family.
Why would the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
A man is doing a crossword and asks his wife for help.
Husband: Body of water, three letters.
Wife: Bay.
Husband: Flying insect with stinger, three letters.
Wife: Bee.
Husband: To hush someone, four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Husband: Boat Noah built, three letters.
Wife: Ark.
Husband: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
7 dwarves were in a room and they started feeling sleepy.
So he left.
My autistic brother just told me this one lmao.
Him: What's the most autistic vegetable?
Me: What?
Him: ice-sperg lettuce!
A woman asks her doctor if she can get pregnant from anal sex
He answers, "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?
Grab a cup of joe.
I had to quit my job as a gay pornstar...
....It was such a pain in the ass
Why did 7 eat 9?
Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day
I'm sorry
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
Remarry