Thing jokes

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

What's the best thing about an Oprah Winfrey joke?

You get the joke! You get the joke! You all get the joke!

My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

Bill Cosby is going to have a new show

Women Say the Darndest Things

What is the one thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on?

They should allow guns at the Republican convention

I asked Alexa "What do women want?"

The fucking thing hasn't shut up for three days

A kid is selling lemonade...

The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade. "25 cents", says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢... Maybe lemonade stands aren’t your thing."

"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.

A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.

Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"

The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

Two cows are standing in a barn.

Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?

Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

If a man opens the car door for his wife

You can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..

First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “Are you performing any better in bed now?” The man says, “I don’t know, I’m 35 miles away.”

The Parrot Says ...

A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?" And the parrot says: "Africa."

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde

The police officer asks the blonde, "Can I see you license and registration, please?". The blonde then asked, "What is that?", the police officer says, "That thing with your face on it", the blonde then pulls a mirror out of her purse, and hands it to the police officer. The police officer then says, "Oh, my bad, if I knew you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."

On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.

Later, he offered her a cigarette.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.

On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.

"Okay," his date replied.

"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.

"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.' "

It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week...

My mum was not happy!

What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?

I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.

What's the best thing about having alzeimhers disease?

You can hide your own easter eggs

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I will fuck a cactus.