It's the little things in a marriage.
A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.
Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"
He says, "Two aspirin". She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!! He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."
I made a chicken salad this morning.
Stupid thing didn't even eat it.
It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
Two boys argue over whose parents are better.
The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."
The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."
The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Probably photos, reflective surfaces, things of that nature.
What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?
Grab a cup of joe.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.
Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.
If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:
Drink a whiskey drink
Drink a vodka drink
Drink a lager drink
Drink a cider drink
Sing the songs that remind you of the good times
Sing the songs that remind you of the better times
Garbagemen never receive actual training
They just pick things up as they go
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....
So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”
I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life
I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.
Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.
Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
I met this girl the other day and she
took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .
Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Men need to start going to target to meet women
The women to men ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I've been dropping a lot of things lately...
It's really getting out of hand
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice *juuust* right
What’s the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?
Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.