Thing jokes

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He's a suicide bomber.

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator not a lift" and "it's chips not crisps," etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."

"I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person? If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction

On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.

A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.

My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"

I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."

What’s a hillbillies favourite thing to do on Halloween?

Pump Kin

Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.

I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.

I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to this realization.

A man and a wife are sitting outside...

The wife is bent over in the garden and the man exclaims "Damn! Your butt is almost as wide as the barbecue!" She proceeds to garden and brushes off the remark. Later on that night the man nudges his wife and asks her for some fun. She replies "If you think i'm firing up this grill for one little wiener, you got another thing coming."

Not my joke, I only wish I was this funny...

There’s no such thing as a virgin bird.

They’ve all been laid at least once.

I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

What's a women's favorite thing to play with?

My emotions.

The one thing that all women find attractive

...a man who doesn't fall for clickbait

My three favorite things.

Eating my family and not using commas.

My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.