There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses." -
Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?
Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.
Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says,
How do you drive this thing?
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.
Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.
I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.
Panties are not the best thing in the world
But they're close to it
Two boys sitting to pee
Two five year old boys are sitting at the potty to pee.
When one says, " Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
" I've been circumcised." Says the second boy.
" What does that mean?"
"It means they cut the protective skin skin off the end."
" How old were you when it was cut off?"
" My mom said that I was two days old."
" Did it hurt?"
" You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a whole year!"
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend.
Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.
Girl: What does that have to do with anything?
Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, my fingers because I can always count on them, my head for staying on top of things, my nuts for hanging in there, and my dick for standing up for me.
Why is a UTI such a bad thing?
Because it means urine trouble
Ohayo means "good morning" in Japanese
And that is the most interesting thing about Ohio.
Do you know on the Canary Islands there is not one Canary and on the Virgin Islands
same thing not one canary
There is only one thing I don’t like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant
The bill
Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?
Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.
My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24
What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.
Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.
I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.
What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?
Honey, I'm home!!
I totally understand how batteries feel...
because I'm rarely ever included in things either
I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.
The parrot was cool though.
A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists last night...
They did unspeakable things to him.