Thing jokes

As a father I am granted 3 things in life:

1. I am allowed to have a dad bod. 2. I am allowed to make dad jokes. 3. I am a certified mother fucker.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

I’ll call it my oughtabiography.

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

I got fired on the first day of my new job at the hospital

Apparently telling all the COVID patients to stay positive is not a good thing.

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,

"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,

"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"

I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket...

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him, that's the last thing I need.

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s mind once and for all.

“You see,” she told him, “he was struck by a drunk driver.”

“I wasn’t drunk.” He replied.

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

What's the best thing about duct tape?

It turns "no,no,no !" into " mmm, mmm, mmm"...

It's hard to explain a pun to a kleptomaniac

because they always take things literally.

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

I can't see a thing with all this shit in here.

I hate spring cleaning.

Damn things bounce all over the place.

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.

The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"

Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

The only thing flat-earthers fear

Is sphere itself