Time jokes

We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...

Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.

Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.

"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife.

She said, "Yeah..."

I said, "It's 9pm and my house."

Why did Elon Musk abandon his Twitter acquisition?

He wanted to experience, for the first time in his life, the sensation of pulling out

I just had an orgasm that lasted six hours

It’s been a long time coming

My brother took being sent to prison really badly.

He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.

That was the last time we played monopoly.

This just in: Due to panic buying, Walmart has decided to open up a 2nd register.

Dire times indeed.

One day, I was walking down the street when out of the blue, 6 beautiful women flashed me their breasts all at the same time. Now I know what you’re thinking...

This story sounds kind of ridiculous...

Dozen tit.

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

Oh deer...

One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.

Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for dinner...

Son - "mmmm smells good ma., what is it?"

Wife - "I'll give you a hint. It's what I call your father all the time."

Daughter - "SPIT IT OUT BILLY., IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!"

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ...

... for the 23rd time.

“Stewardess”

“Yes, Sir?”

“I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can’t sleep.”

“Captain, shut up and land the plane.”

So Einstein finally finished that theory of his about space

It's about time too

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.

Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.

If I had a dollar every time I didn't know what was going on

I would be like, why am I getting all this free money?

...she said last time, we're stuck in a time loop.

Which really pisses me off, because that's what...

If you call a girl beautiful 1000 times she won't really notice. But if you call her fat once, she will never forget...

That's because elephants never forget.

Sinking Ship...

A pediatrician, a lawyer, and a priest were on the Titanic while it was going down. The pediatrician said "Save the children!" The lawyer said "Fuck the children!" To which the priest replied "Do we have time?"

A dad says to his son “Ten times two and eleven times two equal the same number”

The son says it’s wrong

The dad asks “what’s ten times two?”

The son replies “Twenty”

Then the dad says “And eleven times two is twenty too!”

I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...

I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

I replied, "That would be my wife"