It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in
“Sir! Sir! The Russians...”
The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?”
The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!”
The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?”
“No, just one.”
The scientist slowly sits back in his chair. “Well next time don’t get my hopes up. Damn Russians...”
I let my blind friend borrow money
He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...
Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?
Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”
I shot a turkey for the first time today...
Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.
Lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome
I wanted my first time to be special
Doesn't matter if you are tall or short, fat or thin, black or white, at the end of the day...
It will be night time.
Now! What do we want?
Time traveller jokes. When do we want them?
I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.
Guess I came a little too early.
Boss shows up at a job site
Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"
Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."
I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.
I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.
3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex
They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.
Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”
Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”
Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”
I have an IQ of 180
I took the test 3 times and added up my scores
“My dad drives like the lightning!”
“Wow, he’s that good, yeah?”
“Well I don’t know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree.”
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?
A widow.
ME: When's the right time to ask a girl for anal?
INTERVIEWER: I meant; do you have any questions about the job.
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
My wife left me because I bought the new Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...
...it was time for a Switch.
Success is like giving birth...
everyone congratulates you in the end but nobody knows how many times you got fucked in order to get there.
Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....
with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing
"I need to dry clean my dress"
The owner cups his hand next to his ear
"come again"
"No it's ketchup this time"
Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...
He only had time to meet a handful of semen.