A Blonde Tries To Solve A
A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
People say I'm crazy for trying to invent a mind-controlled air freshener...
but it makes scents when you think about it.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
I try to teach my mom something new every day.
They say you're supposed to learn from your mistakes
I tried making a joke about self isolation...
But I couldn’t come close
Horror at the zoo
A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says
*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*
The man responds, *What happened?*
*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*
The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*
You racist!
An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars at the currency exchange was getting irritated at the teller.
She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”.
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too!”
They said that my dad was gay.
Now I am trying to figure out which one.
Angry Mom.
Last night, I was trying to annoy my little brother. I kept tickling his feet... and my Mom went fucking crazy and screamed: "WOULD YOU WAIT UNTIL HE'S FUCKING BORN!?!?"
A man hurriedly walks into a bar
Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight
BT: here you go
Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight
BT: here
Man: again, before I get into a fight
BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting
Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.
Topless carwash
So these kids in school are trying to find new ways to raise money. They suggest a few ideas, all of which are shot down by their teacher. Finally a kid says ‘I get it! We should do a topless carwash!’
Very carefully, the teacher asks: ‘what do you mean?’
The kid says, ‘well, we can’t reach the roofs of the cars, so we will just do the sides and the front and back’
If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:
Drink a whiskey drink
Drink a vodka drink
Drink a lager drink
Drink a cider drink
Sing the songs that remind you of the good times
Sing the songs that remind you of the better times
A man is being examined by his doctor
The doctor starts looking very concerned. The man asks, "Doctor, what's wrong?" The doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but you can no longer masturbate." The man with a tear in his eye asks, "Doctor, why?" The doctor replies, "Because, I'm trying to examine you."
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
I read somewhere that WD40 is great from keeping mice out of your garden.
I tried it... It doesn't work!!
However they have stopped squeaking.
A toothbrush salesman at the mall
A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall. So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip. A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is. The salesman says "you really must try the dip" And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it. "Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!" The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
So I tried catching some fog today...
I mist.
Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar
They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.
Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said Tom. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."