A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.
He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private stood at attention and boomed, "NO SIR!"
I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said
I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said,
"Well, show me your pocket than."
"What for?" I asked
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"
If you get seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to bed.
This will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
To determine a rabbit's sex from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy.
If *she* runs, it's a girl.
Yesterday I tried to set my new password as "beefstew"
It said the password was not stroganoff...
Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.
I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.
Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.
Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”
A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.
The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"
I tried to be gay once...
I sucked.
There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,
His poems weren't always first rate,
His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,
Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.
I tried acting in porn movies but
I only had small parts.
How ungrateful people are
My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!
Chuck Norris Joke
A priest, Jesus and Chuck Norris are on a sinking boat. Jesus starts to walk back to land. Chuck Norris does the same. The priest says "Lord, please let me walk on water", tries to walk but drowns. When Jesus and Chuck Norris got on land Jesus asked him "Shouldn't we have told him where the stones are"? And Chuck answered "Which stones"
So I was at the bank today and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.
Well I was not very impressed, she fell over on the first try.
Did you hear about the woman with amnesia who tried to masturbate?
She almost remembered how, but couldn't quite put her finger on it.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Paddy got a job as a lumberjack
but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?
I am always a Gentleman.
I always open doors for a Ladies.
I was holding a door open for a young lady
Yesterday, ignorant bitch said to me.
"Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit."
Tried to change my password to Twilight...
...but got an error message saying please re-enter as this contains too many useless characters :(