A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
If you don't believe 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'...
...try throwing it harder next time.
I tried to take some High Res pictures of my farmland and fields.
They still came out pretty grainy.
I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament for a while, but it is not easy.
Good players are hard to find.
A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon
She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..
“I know what you’re about to do !”
“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”
The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy...
trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping off this ledge!”
The guy gets fed up and walks away..
“Where you going ?” asks the lady?
“I’m just gonna go wait for you at the bottom...”
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person? If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
My wife keeps trying to give me a blowjob while on the treadmill
Its the worst running gag of all time
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
It's a healthy relationship
My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny...
The doctor told me the only chance my wife in a coma had of coming to was by performing oral sex. I tried for 15 minutes...
But she just choked the whole time.
If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years
We’re trying a new technique.
We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through
PLEASE WAKE UP
Tried Turkish food today...
It was revolting
A guys walks into a bar...
...and sits down at the bar. He orders a whiskey and begins to drink. He looks up and notices a monkey.
"What's with the monkey?" he asks the barkeep.
"Well, watch this." The bartender pulls a stick from behind the bar and whacks the monkey. The monkey climbs down and gives the bartender a blowjob.
"Wanna give it a try?" the bartender asks the man.
"Sure. Just don't hit me so hard with stick!"
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.
I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.
Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.
A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...
...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.
-1:0 I am winning, - says the man. Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.
-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.
Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.
-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.
A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.
The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.
The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.
The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."
NASA Scientists say its possible to live on Mars.
Bullshit, I tried it and now I'm 15Kg heavier and diabetic