Try jokes

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

Two blondes are trying to unlock their car with a coat hanger.

One says, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down!"

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:

"We tried, but nobody would take you"

A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.

The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”

The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.”

The owner is shocked and confused: “Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?”

The man replied: “I’m trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.”

Joe was standing in line at the bank...

... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.

The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".

In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you out.

The man looks at him and says: Yea? I'm a lawyer, you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me!

A man goes ice fishing...

He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."

He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, ”There are no fish there either."

He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."

Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"

"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."

What did the triceratops name her Blouse Making business?

Try Sarah's Tops

I hate breakups.

Especially when they try to let you down gently. "It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins".

My wife suspected I was cheating, so to catch me she hired a prostitute to flash her breasts and try to seduce me.

I didn't fall for that shit... I can spot a booby trap a mile away.

Wasted

A woman's husband comes home wasted every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?" "We might as well," slurs the husband.

"I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."

A cop stopped a guy for speeding...

Cop said: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

The guy replied: “I was trying to keep up with traffic”

The cop said: “But there is no traffic”

And the guy answered: “That’s how far behind I am”

My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways..... and she hasn’t woken up once.

A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?"

I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"

I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"

There's something crazy I really want to try in bed..

Getting 8 hours of sleep

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy.

He said, “Fuck off. Get your own.”

LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

Do you know why they always called him Lord Vader?

Because when they tried Master Vader it made all the stormtroopers giggle.

A guy is sitting in a bar drinking.

After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again. He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground. His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"