A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....
I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’ ‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’ ‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’ ‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us
If online bullying has taught us anything.....
It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight!!
Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...
Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.
Baby Roach: "Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?"
Papa Roach: "Suffocation. No breathing."
I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?
Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?
Too hard on the mule.
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
My wife said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
A man walks into the store to buy condoms
Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?
Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.
Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!
You disturbed the first part of this funeral.
Just let us do the rest in peace.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...
“What did you just call it?!” I cried.
“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.
And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
The world’s biggest gender reveal party happened way back in 1945
When Japan found out the US had a Little Boy
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
My Sister always got bullied at school for being adopted.
Homeschooling for us was fun though
Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look confused and ask, “Why do you want to be a boxer?” He proudly replies, “So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.”
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
The Holy Bible tells us to love one another.
The Kama Sutra is more specific.
A drunk guy enters a taxicab...
\- Take us to the...
\- ”Us”? Which ”us”, you're alone!?
Drunk guy looks at him, somewhat bewildered:
\- Wh-what, are you saying you ain't going?
Professor X: what's your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that's not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now