Way jokes

A necrophile "You're dead to me."

I don't know if thats a threat or a compliment, either way I know I am fucked.

A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks

And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.

This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead

As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think.....

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too arrogant.

Then I think to myself “There’s no way. I’m too good for that.”

Poor Will Smith isn't getting any sleep tonight

His wife is so pissed Will can hear her ranting all the way from her boyfriend's bedroom

A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."

I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way

I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

The world’s biggest gender reveal party happened way back in 1945

When Japan found out the US had a Little Boy

I asked a Buddhist what was the easiest way to get a lot of good karma.

He told me all it takes is a piece of cake.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

Do you know a way to really freak out someone who works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.

I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber, and I'm not gonna die the same way.

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

A car gets pulled over

Policeman: "sir, you were driving above the speed limit here. Give me your licence".

Man:" this must be a mistake. I was driving below the speed limit. I always do..."

Woman: "Darling, you know it isn't true".

Man: "shut up you stupid cunt".

Policeman: "sir, license please".

Man: "I already told you I wasn't overspeeding".

Woman: "it was way above the speed limit, dear".

Man: "I told you to shut up woman."

Policeman: "ma'am, does this man mistreat you?".

"only when he is drunk".

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

The private stood at attention and boomed, "NO SIR!"

I'd kill to be a mortician

That way I'd always have a job