An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.
Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.
Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.
The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.
A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'
'yup'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'
'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'
'yup'
'Wow, can't turn that down.'
A good looking girl waved at me today...
but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Surprise blowjob is the best way to get woken up.
Unless you're in prison.
I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...
I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
I replied, "That would be my wife"
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.
The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the children is heard saying, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
I asked my girlfriend to 69
She sighed and said, “how bout instead we 9p?”
I got really excited- “I’ve never done that before! How does it work?”
“Well, you lay that way, I lay this way, and then we go the fuck to sleep”
A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.
The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man
"Where's the good stuff!"
The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."
Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"
The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"
A man misses the bus...
A man on the way home just misses the bus. He runs after it in the hope to catch it, but ends up running all the way to his home.
There he tells his wife : Honey, I did something great today. I saved 3€ by running after the bus.
She responds: Stupid you. You should have been running after the taxi instead to save even more money.
My doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation.
I thought he was crazy until I saw a dragon on the way home and shit myself.
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
My grandpa's favorite joke
This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.
At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "
His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
I had a little car accident
On the way home from work, I had a little car accident, I braked hard, but still hit the car in front of me. A cute blond got out and shouted "Ram me up the arse why don't you"?.
This, your Honour, is where the confusion began.....
Movies are too violent
A lot of Critics have been saying that movies now days are way too violent.
To test this theory I took a nine year old boy to go see Gladiator, and he cried the whole movie.
Now it may be because he didn't know who I was.
2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican.
The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun says "yeah, must be the cobblestones."
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?
Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.
Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.
Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?
Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”
Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
