You jokes

I’m all for gender fluidity. In fact, I sexually identify as a Non-Newtonian Fluid.

I’m flaccid and slippery most of the time, but getting slapped makes me hard.

If you lose one senses, your other senses become stronger.

That's why people without a sense of humour have such a high sense of self importance

How much dessert does a dieting Jedi eat at an Italian restaurant?

Only one cannoli.

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome

God: *creates birds*

How do birds fuck?

With their peckers.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomically low

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

Parallel lines have so much in common...

It's a shame they'll never meet.

"Help! Is there a Doctor on this flight?"

"Uh. Shit. Not anymore..."

Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me!

Police officer: That's a salt!

Porn sites have a "sort by most viewed" feature!

What's the world coming to?

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what should we do?"

Her husband says "I'm no expert, but i wouldn't fucking spank him".

What do robots eat on a diet?

Microchips.

Opinions are like assholes

I'm going to spread mine all over the internet.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?

A pepperonly pizza!

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

I wish my Dad was the Terminator...

...because then he'd come back.

A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"But which would have the greater value?"

At this moment, the man was enlightened.