You jokes

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Steve: I want to be rich. Genie: Wish granted. What is your second wish? Rich: I want a lot of money.

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me; I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’re just going to have to be a little patient.”

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we dont serve food here."

I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

What do you call an Italian with two broken hands?

Mute

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

When I was young, I was courageous enough to shave my privates with a straight razor.

I don’t have the balls to do that anymore.

Honey, let's get naked!

This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, "Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!"

As they sat at the dining table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"

The husband says, "That is because you have your breasts in the soup!"

I'm a paranoid narcissist...

I'm afraid no one's out to get me!

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

An electrician comes home late....

Wife: "Wire you insulate?"

Electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I."

I asked 10 people what LGBQT stood for?

I couldn’t get a straight answer

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater

*assault rifle tips fedora*

M’16.

What do you call a color that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination.