You jokes

What does violent diarrhoea and a bar fight have in common?

Blood on your stool

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

I was digging in the back garden...

.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,

Until I remembered why I was digging.

How do flat earthers travel the world?

on a plane.

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.

Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

My life used to be a joke

But then I became a dad. So now it's a dad joke

(I just came up with this, so either it's terrible, or not original. Likely both.)

If someone with a toe fetish cheats on you

Does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and closed up”... “Ahhh bummer mate”, the helpline operator replied. “Oh cheers, great idea, thanks mate!” Replied Bruce... and put the ‘phone down.....

What's the difference between a joke and a repost???

...about two hours.

I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.

"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife.

She said, "Yeah..."

I said, "It's 9pm and my house."

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

If some part of your job feels utterly pointless, remember

Putin campaigned for the 2018 elections.

Baby are you HTTP?

Because I'm :// without you

My wife is a horrible singer .

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

What's the difference between parsley and pubic hair?

Nothing. You push them both aside and keep on eating.

I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college

My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent

Why did Elon Musk abandon his Twitter acquisition?

He wanted to experience, for the first time in his life, the sensation of pulling out

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

Why did the chicken kill itself ?

To get to the other side.