You jokes

A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper...

"What kind of pepper would you like, sir? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asked the manager.

He replied, "Toilette pepper!"

A woman says to her engineer husband...

"Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach!

A human hair can hold 3kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscle's just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.

The man is still looking at his thumb.

I have a confession. I masturbate in the shower..

.. it feels good to come clean.

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.

Two wrongs don't make a right...

...but two Wrights made a plane

I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed.

He said

"I don't know it's hard to keep track."

Your essays should be like a girls skirt.

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and on the desk by Friday midnight.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.

If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.

I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Why is twelve an unfair number?

Because it's two against one

I have a friend who is sexually attracted to inanimate objects.

I don't see him much though. He always has stuff to do.

On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.

He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers? The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

So my girlfriend wants to roleplay as a 14 year old...

I told her "why bother? You'll be 14 in a few years anyway"

A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?"

And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

We had a trans friend come over for Christmas this year

He said he can’t wait to eat, drink and be Mary

I'm allergic to sharks..

..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

Me: “Mom, meet my girlfriend.”

Mom: “Are you sure about this? You deserve better!”

Me: “But Mom, I love her so much...”

Mom: “I was talking to her...”

Finally realized why the end of my rifle always tastes so salty

Because whenever I put it in my mouth I’m always crying

Nobody wants to die alone.

That's why I'm training for my pilot's license.

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