You jokes

Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

143 year old troll

I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it’s super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says “look on page 150” in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written “you are a fool for looking”. Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the future good for him.

Prison may be just one word

But for some people it's a whole sentence

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Always Wanted to get Married

My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl.

So we converted to Islam.

Most people are assholes. Don't believe me?

Next time you see a group of people, yell out "hey, asshole!"

All of them will turn and look.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my Word.

I'm kinda new to gardening...

Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.

Well, I'm never doing that again...

I'll just stick to whipped cream.

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

Give a man a gun, he will rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages....

Now we’re making money hand over fist

They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

earlier today I dropped an ice cube

It slipped under the refrigerator and I couldn't reach it. I was really upset about it at first but now I'm over it. water under the fridge.

I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.

I always get the last laugh

Because no one else laughs at my jokes

I asked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait..

Her answer may shock you!

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"